


I Think I Need Help

by wolfanite



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Gay, M/M, Mental Disorders, Self Harm, Suicide mention, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-07 16:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15223220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfanite/pseuds/wolfanite
Summary: Craig finds himself in a situation that he can't pull himself out mentally, dealing with the breakup with his ex and his mental issues that drag him down into the pits of what feels like hell. Suddenly, he finds himself face-to-face with feelings for a friend, and is unsure of how to approach them.





	1. Sincerity

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the appreciation guys!   
> Here's the wattpad version if you find it easier to read there: https://my.w.tt/3R4iv32R3O

_ I Think I need help- _

_ Cause I’m drowning in myself… _

 

The song blared from the small speakers in the shitty earbuds. Soft vibrations accompanied the loud music, blaring at a high enough rate that anyone could hear it. The snapping of fingers was overlooked and ignored, unable to be heard over the ear-shattering tunes. It wasn’t until he was smacked on the back of the head that Craig realized his mother was trying to talk to him. He had been sitting on the couch, his feet propped up lazily along the other cushions. He pulled one of the buds out and stared at his mom angrily, growling in response.

 

“What?” He practically sneered the word in dismay.

 

“I told you to clean your room, Craig. You better get your ass up those stairs and do it!”

He rolled his eyes as he pulled himself up off the couch. He quickly flipped her the bird in frustration before stomping off towards the stairs, walking up them with his mother’s accusations trailing off behind him as he slipped into his room and slammed his door.

Since his 17th birthday, Craig has been having a difficult time in both his social and personal life. He was diagnosed sometime when he was 15 with a schizoaffective disorder with major depression. For as long as he could remember, he had been seeing and hearing things. It started off small, but had quickly developed into an everyday, full fledged senses issue that he would have to live with for the rest of his life. Medication had helped him through a lot of it, but without support from his parents and keeping it bottled away from all of his friends, Craig had quickly developed into a very moody and very pushy teen. Paranoia riddled his waking hours nearly everyday and nightmares riddled his dreams every time he closed his eyes and laid his head to sleep. Because of this, he tended to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, making it hard to stay awake in classes.

 

On top of everything, he had been dealing with his recent breakup with Tweek. Well, not recent. He was dumped almost a year and a half ago, and he was still dealing with the pain that tore at his heart and his mind. He never really liked to think about it, but it still haunted his thoughts every now and then. He never liked to admit it, but Craig had loved him. He loved him on many different levels, and them breaking up shook him heavily inside.

 

Both of them dealt with issues that had escalated to an extreme, and it had started to take a toll on the both of them. Tweek was the first to bring it up.

 

“Craig- we n-need to talk---” Tweek sat across from Craig in the lunchroom, the plastic fork shaking slightly in his hand as he twitched and fidgeted. Craig had a fry halfway in his mouth when the conversation was started.

 

“About what?” Craig mumbled the words, looking up at his former boyfriend, talking past the food in his mouth.

 

“About… About  _ us… _ I just don’t… f-feel comfortable with this anymore.” Tweek twitched, and grunted, avoiding eye contact. Craig raised his eyebrows at the statement.

 

“What do you mean you don’t feel  _ comfortable? _ ” His voice wavered with an edge of concern.

 

“Craig… We both have problems. S-serious problems-- ah. It’s difficult dealing with my own and trying to h… help you with yours. It’s taxing, and I just think that. Maybe we should see other people. Split apart, go our separate ways. It would be for the best.” Craig hadn’t realized that the half eaten fry had dropped from his fingers onto his tray. He had a hard time processing what Tweek had said, and his brain hurt trying to understand exactly what the fuck was happening.

 

“Are you… Breaking up with me…?”

 

***

Craig woke with a start. He wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep, or how, but he was laying in his dark room, curled up on his bed. Tears had stained his cheeks, tears that he wasn’t aware were there. He had that dream again. It had been recurring constantly for the last month and he didn’t know why. He stretched his body out, his joints popping after being in the same position for so long. Craig reached for his phone and pulled it off the nightstand next to his bed, unlocking it and going straight to his messages.

 

Craig: I had the dream again

 

Clyde: Oh no! Are you okay?

 

Craig: Not sure. I’m just really confused right now.

 

Clyde: I’m sorry :6 I bet it’s really difficult for you right now

 

Craig: Yeah- I think I’m gonna try to go back to sleep

 

Clyde: Ok, sleep good. I’ll be here if u need me

  
Locking his phone, Craig rolled over onto his back after sliding the device back onto his nightstand. He stared at his ceiling for a while, looking at the glow stars that were stuck up there some few years back, looking at the constellations that he placed them in to. After what seemed like ages, he finally closed his eyes, breathed in deeply, and drifted off into a dreamless sleep. He would not expect what was to happen the next day, or anything after that.


	2. Severity

The tray dropped onto the lunch table in front of Craig, and Clyde took his usual place across from him. Looking up, Craig cocked his head slightly as he looked at his friend with a mockingly quizzical look.

 

“What a rough intro. Whatsup man?”

 

“The ceiling. But in all seriousness, are you okay? Rough night?” Craig shrugged in response. His dream had bothered him quite a lot, and he wasn’t sure how to look at it. It wasn’t _as bad_ trying to sift through the pain brought on by it now, but it was still difficult.

 

“Sure, I guess. I just really hate having those dreams.” Clyde nodded at what he had said, giving a sigh as he went and started picking at his food. “What if I spent the night with you tonight?”

 

“What?” Craig blinked, a little taken back by the statement, “Spend the night, with me? Dude my house is hell, I don’t think you’d want to do that.” His friend raised his eyebrows in a manner that said “Oh yes I would,” showing that Clyde was serious.

 

“Well, I guess if you want to suffer than sure. I doubt my parents would care.” A smile spread across Clyde’s face, and he gave a quiet “Yes!” He was obviously excited.

 

⁎⁎⁎

 

Class was hell. Sadly, Tweek was in his geometry class, and it was one of Craig’s least favorite times of the day. They were on seperate sides of the room, but he still couldn’t help but watch him longingly. He had his head resting in his arms against the desk, staring in the direction of Tweek’s seat. Eventually, he rolled his head to hide his face in his arms, the droning sound of the teacher’s voice making him feel even more tired than he already had.

 

He found himself in a void of inky blackness. He felt weightless, and seemed to be floating in the nothingness. Incoherable whispers surrounded him all of a sudden, making it hard for him to think straight. Out of the darkness, a small white cat appeared, trotting up to him and purring. It circled through his legs and pushed against him, meowing loudly. He wondered to himself why the fuck there was a cat here, but he couldn’t quite make sense of anything that was happening at the moment. Suddenly, he heard a voice.

 

“Hello.” It was soft and sweet, milky and quiet. Looking around, Craig couldn’t make out where it had came from, until he heard “Down here!” He looked down. The cat was looking back up at him, sitting on its haunches and continuing to purr.

 

“Did you just… Talk?” The cat nodded, and then cocked its head.

 

“I’m Naria.” The cat purred out the words almost matter-of-factly, shaking itself in the process. It stood up and walked around Craig, its tail trailing along his leg as it walked.

 

“I am your protector. Your guardian. Your mind’s eye as to say.”

 

“What?” Craig was confused as fuck. He didn’t understand what the cat was getting at. Protector? Guardian? What nonsensical shit was this animal getting at?

 

“I protect you from your demons. Your inner worries,” The cat lazily plopped to the ground, and watched him with striking orange eyes. They seemed to be aflame, as if a fire was burning behind them. They entranced Craig, until the cat flinched and jumped up.

 

“Quickly, run!” He didn’t know what was happening, but he suddenly had the instinct to run. There was a low rumble somewhere, and so he took off after Naria, trying to avoid stumbling over his feet.

 

He woke with a start to the sound of the bell ringing. Class was over. His head was pounding- what had happened? The dream was gone as suddenly as it had came, and he couldn’t quite remember any details besides the white cat. He quickly shoved whatever papers were on his desk into his bag and made his way towards the classroom door, slipping out into the hallway. Everyone was bustling about between lockers and doorways for the end of the day, ready to go home. Craig rubbed his eyes and breathed in deeply, looking around for Clyde. Eventually he was found, and Craig waved to him and called him over.

 

“Hey man! You ready for tonight? I gotta go home first to get my stuff,” Clyde had bounced over quickly, like a loyal retriever bounding back to its owner.

 

“Uh, yeah. Definitely. We can swing by your place- but dude I just had the weirdest dream. And what’s even weirder is that I can’t remember anything about it besides a white cat!”

 

“A white cat? Interesting. Maybe it’s an old pet come to haunt your dreams, ooooo!” Clyde made mock ghost noises, causing Craig to laugh.

 

“Oh shut up man, I never had a cat anyways.” His laughs trickled off into soft chuckles as they walked out the front doors and towards the parking lot. Clyde had a car, and they decided that they would both ride together rather than Craig suffering in riding on the bus. Eventually, the two boys found their way by picking through the crowd and dashing across through lines of cars until they got to Clyde’s car, a black 2004 Honda Civic. It was a nice car, to say the least. The inside, not so much.

 

“Oh my god dude, you need to clean your car,” Craig muttered the words as he climbed into the passenger side, sticking his bag in his lap as he maneuvered around trash in the floorboard.

 

“Yeah I know, it’s an absolute mess. Sorry about that,” Clyde was sincere in his apology, obviously embarrassed for leaving his car such a mess. The ride to Clyde’s was quick, and he ran in real fast to grab some clothes and necessities in a bag, and was back out into the car in a matter of five minutes. After that, they headed to Craig’s house, which wasn’t too far from there. Once they got there, Craig found that his parents were out and took his sister with them, so the house was left to the both of them for probably most of the night.

 

“Well, looks like we’re alone for most of the night,” Craig closed the door after the two of them entered, looking around the house for anyone that might actually still be there. He wandered into the kitchen, digging through the fridge for any food. “Do you want anything?”

 

“Naw, I’m good for now. Hey, I’m gonna stick my bag up in your room.”

 

“Alright, sounds good.” Craig listened to the footsteps of Clyde ascending the stairs as he pulled a bag of chips down from the top of the fridge, opening them and eating at the chips. His mind wandered elsewhere as he listened to the quiet shuffling upstairs. He thought about how much Clyde has been there for him since the breakup. He really helped to make a difference in his life, and pushing to make sure that Craig was okay. It meant a lot to him, maybe more than he realizes right now. There was just something about him that… Made Craig happy. He wanted to be around Clyde, and he wasn’t sure what it was about him but it just made all of the bad things go away and he could enjoy being alive for once.

 

“Hey, whaddya thinking about?” Craig flinched as he heard Clyde’s voice. He had been distracted by his thoughts that he hadn’t realized his friend had returned.

 

“Huh? Oh, nothing. Just wondering about things.”

 

“Oh, alright. You wanna play video games?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They spent the night together, talking, playing games, having deep conversations that best friends have. Craig was happy. He was more than happy- he was enjoying himself. He could get used to stuff like this.


	3. Scrutiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Self harm and graphic depictions of it

Craig lay in his bed for what seemed like hours. He stared at his ceiling, thinking to himself “thank god it’s Saturday,” trying to keep his breathing under control. He listened to Clyde’s soft snores from the floor of his room, feeling bad for kicking him off the bed. But, if his parents came in and saw a friend lying in his bed with him, they would have his head on a silver platter. His heart seemed to flutter as he listened, and he rolled over as quietly as he could on to his side. This was so that his friend was in view. Craig couldn’t quite catch why he felt like this, but it was almost like when he fell head over heels for- … Yeah. But he never had feelings like this before, not for Clyde at least. Glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand, Craig rubbed his face with the palms of his hands- 4:45 AM.

 

He had actually gotten to bed once after taking his medication, and with the company of Clyde there with him, he slept soundlessly and dreamlessly. But now, he was wide awake. He wanted to wake up Clyde, but he didn’t want to disturb his sleeping, especially with how cu--  _ with how comfortable he looked.  _ The cold touched his exposed arms and he shivered slightly, and then began sifting his fingers through his messy hair. In a forced whisper, Craig called out to Clyde.

 

“Clyde, Clyde wake up”

 

“Hmmnwhat?..” Clyde mumbled tiredly, half awake and half asleep.

 

“Wake up.” Craig watched the silhouette of his friend sit up in the darkness of the room.

 

“What- what’s wrong?” Clyde looked around, and realized that he was facing away from Craig. He looked behind his shoulder, and then shifted so that he faced the correct way. “Did you have the dream again?”

 

“No, actually. I slept fine tonight. I’m just awake and I can’t go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you,” Craig suddenly felt bashful, a bit guilty for waking Clyde up at such an early hour.

 

“What time is it?”

 

“4:50.” Clyde groaned and rubbed his eyes. It was way too early in the morning, but he didn’t mind waking up early for his friend. Anything for him. They ended up talking quietly amongst each other for about an hour and a half, until Craig scooched over on his bed and patted the side of it.

 

“What about your parents?” Clyde didn’t want Craig to get in trouble, so he was of course cautious about it.

 

“It’s okay, they usually only check in on me late at night.” Craig was sure his parents weren’t going to walk in now. The coast was clear. And so, Clyde crawled up into the bed with Craig, stretching out and getting comfortable. Craig lay on his half of the bed, curled halfway into a ball and halfway stretched out.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately.” Craig was the first to break the few moment silence. He was staring off at everything and nothing, just thinking out loud. “You’ve been there for me a lot, through thick and thin. You stuck with me in my worst moments and helped me through my pain. You made sure I was okay and kept me in line and away from self harm,” Craig looked up to Clyde. “And I want to say, thank you. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me.” They locked eyes for a second, and Clyde smiled.

 

“I care for you, Craig. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t. I sure as hell know your parents don’t so I want to make sure that you’re okay.” Craig could feel his heart stutter at the words. He had butterflies in his stomach. Good god he had a way with words that made Craig so happy, he just didn’t know what it was. He averted his gaze, looking off towards the other side of the room.

 

“I enjoy being around you a lot. You make me happy.”

 

“Oh? Is that so?” Clyde rolled onto his side so that they were closer together. He watched him carefully, gently, delicately, and then his hand ended up on Craig’s jawline. His fingers trickled smoothly along the teen’s skin, raising Craig’s head upwards so that they would be looking at each other.

 

“What are you-?”

 

“Hush.”

 

They stared at each other for a long moment, Craig’s heart was pounding in his ears as he felt the heat of a blush touch his cheeks and the tips of his ears. He watched Clyde intently, his stomach flipping with a giddy excitement, like how it does when you fall in love. His hands were slightly shaky, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Their faces were only inches from each other, their eyes locked and minds racing. Clyde’s hand cradled the side of Craig’s face tenderly, and then he started to move. Oh fuck oh fuck. Craig acted almost on instinct and pulled away, groaning slightly.

 

“I, sorry, I gotta go to the bathroom. I’ll be back…” His face was burning, and he quickly kicked his blanket off and rolled out of the bed, exiting his room and going straight to the bathroom. Holy fuck, what just happened? He thought to himself as he took a whiz, the anxiety of the situation almost taking over him. What the fuck, his best friend almost kissed him. Yeah, sure, he had started getting these feelings, but. He didn’t know how to approach them. How to deal with them. He shook his head and washed his hands, and then splashed cold water on his face, shivering from the freezing water.

 

The day’s events were simple. Things were as they normally were. Craig’s parents were home, said hello to Clyde. They made their awkward goodbye’s, still stirred from the morning’s happenings. Craig got chewed out for having a friend over without asking. Usual stuff. He wasn’t sure where his sister was but he figured she was at a friend’s house, so he just went up to his room and closed himself away for the day. It wasn’t until around 2 o’clockish that his father knocked on his door.

 

“What?” Craig tapped on his phone as he scrolled around on social media, bored. His dad opened the door.

 

“Have you seen your sister or heard from her at all?”

 

“No, why?” He looked away from his phone towards his father, and noticed a worried look across his face.

 

“We haven’t heard from or seen Tricia since last night. She went over to her friend’s house but she hasn’t called or texted. We’re starting to grow worried and thought she might have texted you.” The look on his father’s face deepened. “Let us know if she texts you.”  
  
“Okay-” Craig was fully confused. His sister not staying in contact was nothing like her, so it was weird for her to not text anyone. He watched as his father closed his bedroom door, and listened as he went down the stairs. Turning back to his phone, he shot a text to his sister, asking her where the fuck she was. No response. Half an hour passed as he waited for a response, anticipating the text ding, when he heard a cry from downstairs. He quickly threw himself off his bed and burst out his door, and ran down the stairs to find his mother crying on the couch with a phone in her hand and his father rubbing her shoulder.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Your sister is missing.”

 

Craig couldn’t remember anything after that. He woke up in his bed in the middle of the night, bruises on his hands and blood staining his arms. There were fresh self harm scars, deep and rugged, but he couldn’t remember how they got there. He found the razor on his bedside table, and looked at the blood that stained the bed sheets. His hands were shaky, and he picked up his phone. It was nearly dead, but he got one message out to Clyde.

 

Craig: Oh my god please come over I think I cut myself but I can’t remember

 

His phone fell to the floor as he shook more, his eyes flicking towards a flash of white on one side of his room. There was a cat sitting there, licking its paw. He could tell this was an episode, something that wasn’t there but his mind was saying it was. He breathed in sharply as he recognized the cat, but he looked away from it, not wanting his mind to derail. He got up, and quickly went around his bed and to the door, opening it. The house was dark- he went to the front door and looked out the window to find his parents were gone. Probably at the police station. He was about to go back up the stairs when there was a rapid knocking on the door. He opened it to find Clyde there.

 

“Jesus dude, I sped just to get over hereoh my god Craig!” Clyde’s voice raised in response to seeing the deep and jagged cuts on Craig’s arm. He wasn’t even aware that he was sobbing.

 

“My-my sister. She’s gone. Oh my god my brain hurts so much--” Clyde gently touched Craig’s shoulder, and entered into the house, pushing the door closed and leading craig into the kitchen. With the lights on and the water in the sink running, Clyde had Craig stand at it as he wiped the cuts clean with a rag, carefully and gingerly. It hurt, but Craig was numb to the pain. He was so used to it that it didn’t bother him anymore.

 

“Where is your first aid kit?”

 

“Downstairs bathroom in the sink cabinet.” Clyde disappeared for a moment, and soon returned with the kit in his hands, setting it on the counter and opening it up. He pulled out gauze pads and gauze wrap, and took to carefully wrapping Craig’s arms.

 

“Where did you get so good at this?” Craig had calmed down since Clyde had shown up, and was curious at his skillful wrapping.

 

“I used to get hurt a lot and had to learn how to take care of myself.”

 

After Craig was all patched up, the two of them decided to go for a walk, and eventually made their way out of town towards the woods. The night was cold, colder than usual, the snow crunching beneath their shoes. They found them on a cliff overhang, and took to sitting there and watching the stars.

 

“Hey, about this morning…” Craig started a conversation, deciding to talk about what happened that morning.

 

“Sorry about that…” Clyde responded sheepishly, guiltily. He hadn’t meant to stir any hard feelings.

 

“No, no it’s… It’s okay. I was just a little shaken.” Looking at his best friend, Craig watched him in the moonlight. “It’s just a little tough, you know?” He took in every curve of Clyde’s face, the smoothness of his skin and how it seemed to glow in the light, the softness of his lips… They both seemed to stare at each other for ages, entranced in each other’s eyes. Craig looked into the hazel brown eyes that stared back at his own. Suddenly, he found himself leaning towards Clyde, and suddenly their lips met. A whole new feeling rushed through his body as they kissed each other, their tongues exploring their mouths. Craig gingerly cupped Clyde’s face in his hands as he deepened the kiss, trying to hold on to it as long as possible.

 

Eventually, they had to break the kiss, both of them panting slightly for air. They stared at one another for a few moments longer, and then Craig started chuckling, burying his head into Clyde’s shoulder, breathing in his sent.

 

“I love you, Clyde Donovan. I love you and your big, goofy smile, and your clueless thoughts that you text me randomly during the day. I love every part of you.”


	4. Sensuality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maturity warning : Sexual interaction

“Things are looking grim as the search for Tricia Tucker continues. The poor girl went missing over a month ago in the small town of South Park, and police continue their investigation as they search for her…”

Craig sat on the couch at home, watching the news quietly. He was nearly nodding off when he heard the news anchor mention about the search for his sister, which caused him to grow more alert. Oh, fuck, of course there’s nothing new on the search. There never is. The police have no idea where she could have gone, and there’s no trail to pick up or anything. It’s been extremely frustrating and stressful for his entire family, with no leads and no help from anyone.

Things weren’t all bad, though. Craig and Clyde’s relationship has flourished into something special, whether it was in secrecy or not. They had been seeing each other since that night, and had grown closer because of it. Clyde was there for Craig through everything, as well, and was helping him as much as he could. And Craig appreciated it. He enjoyed every time they spent time together, and he was beginning to feel and act a lot better since they got together.

There was a knock on the door, which Craig got up off the couch and went over to answer. And there he was, just who he was expecting.

“Hi Clyde.”

“Hey. You needing a friend?” He let out a quiet chuckle as he said that.

“Sure, come in.” Craig stepped out of the way, and let Clyde in. “My parents are home so we have to be a bit quiet.” With how often Clyde came over, Craig’s parents stopped bothering with having him ask if he could, so this gave them an advantage. The only think they asked was that they kept it quiet. Up the stairs they went, into Craig’s room to do whatever they found was necessary at that moment. 

Craig sat up on his bed, cross-legged, with Clyde taking his usual place next to him. Craig always got this nervous bashfulness about him whenever sitting next to his boyfriend, unsure of what to say or do next.The butterflies in his stomach always made him a little light headed, high on feeling, and it always made him so happy.

“How are you feeling?”

“Happy.”

“Well, I’m glad you are.”

Clyde grinned at him, a big, goofy smile that Craig loved so much. He couldn’t help but to grin back. Clyde’s smiles were always so contagious, anytime, anywhere. Craig looked away, letting out a big sigh and frowning again.

“I’m so worried about my sister. I don’t know if she’s ever going to come back, or if they’re ever going to find her…” He was pulled close by Clyde, who was hushing him gently.

“Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay. I’m sure they’ll find her and everything will be okay. I’m sure they’ll find her soon.” Craig leaned into Clyde’s arms as he began stroking his fingers through his hair, carefully and tenderly, with a gentle love. Clyde rocked him slightly, trying to make sure Craig didn’t have a breakdown or anything.

“Have you been taking your medicine like I told you to?”

 

“Yeah.”

“And did you clear out all the things you could use to self harm with?”

Craig was hesitant, silent for a moment. Should he fib or should he tell the truth? He ran on a whim.

“... Yeah…” He felt Clyde’s hands slide to his cheeks and lift his face upwards, and he got an upside down look at his boyfriend’s face.

“Did you?” He had a serious look on his face, and it made Craig a little squirmy.

“No… Sorry. I just need scissors to cut stuff, you know?” Clyde sighed and his face softened, and then he leaned down and gave Craig an upside-down kiss on the lips, which caused the both of them to laugh.

“Alright, you can keep the scissors. But if I find that you’ve been using them for anything bad, I’m confiscating them.” Craig nodded, and shifted back to the way he was, nuzzling into Clyde’s chest. He was so warm and comfortable, like a soft blanket. It was addicting to snuggle up to him, but it was so hard to do at night because of his parents.

“We need to get a place together as soon as possible,” he said this all of a sudden, surprising Clyde.

“A place? How are we going to pay for it?”

“I’m sure we can get jobs or whatever. I mean you already have one, and I’m sure I can find something. I turn 18 next month and if I save up enough and you save up enough we can move in somewhere.” Clyde nodded as he listened to Craig’s proposition, and thought quietly for a moment.

“Let’s do it,” this caused Craig to sit up and look at him.

“Are you serious? You want to do it?”

“Sure, I bet it wouldn’t be too hard!” The both grinned, and Craig waved a fist in excitement. 

“We’re gonna get a place together! Oh my god I need to start looking for a job- this is so exciting! I could just- I could just kiss you!” And that’s exactly what he did. He kissed him with such excitement and joy that he almost couldn’t kiss him. But they did it, they made it happen. And they didn’t stop. Eventually, they were laying across the bed, Clyde over top Craig as they went at it, swapping spit. Eventually they broke away for air, but Clyde went to kissing his neck, causing Craig to whimper slightly with pleasure.

“Oh- that feels good…” Craig tilted his head to the side, exposing more of the soft flesh on his neck, which Clyde continued to kiss. His hands trailed up his shirt, his fingers brushing over Craig’s nipples softly which caused him to moan, and then he immediately bit his lip.

“C-Clyde, my parents are home! Are you crazy?”

“Then just be quiet…” Clyde watched Craig as he moved his body down, until he was hovering down near his crotch. A blush hit Craig’s face as soon as he realized what Clyde was going to do, and was going to protest but stopped as soon as Clyde began rubbing the soft bulge that had begun to grow. Craig shuddered, and laid back down on the bed, tilting his head back. Clyde worked gingerly as he continued to rub the hardening bulge, and then went around to unbuttoning Craig’s pants.

“Ahh- C-Clyde--” his voice came out as a mere whisper as he felt his pants being tugged downward. “M-maybe not now…” But his words were ignored as Clyde pulled down his boxers to expose his manhood. His dick twitched at the change of temperature, bringing a soft “ooo” from Clyde. Craig gave off a little chuckle in response, and shook when Clyde ran his tongue along the shaft.

“Oh mmy god !!” Craig had to try his best to keep his voice down, his body shaking from this new feeling. As Clyde grabbed his dick in his hand, Craig cood slightly and arched his back, shuddering as Clyde began tugging.It wasn’t long before he was being toyed with, Clyde licking the tip or maybe suckling here and there. It wasn’t until Clyde took his manhood in his mouth fully that Craig got the full fledged feeling of ecstacy. He moaned as quietly as he could, letting out “ohhh god,” grabbing at the bedsheets.

It didn’t take long before Craig came, and it was so sudden that Clyde ended up receiving a mouth full of cum. Craig gave a ton of sorry’s as Clyde was taken aback, and then was handed a towel which he spit out in.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry it was just- It felt good and I just couldn’t stop myself I’m sorry ah-”

“That’s alright, it’s something to experience for sure,” he chuckled as he wiped his mouth, and then climbed back up onto the bed, Craig quickly struggling to pull his pants up and button them. Clyde obviously has already taken care of himself during the whole endeavor, so they both just ended up passing out on the bed, seemingly unaware of the consequence of being found such as.


	5. Split

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a delayed update! Thing's got busy and I got a little slammed with medical and legal stuff. Updates may be a little slow now too, so don't lose hope if I don't update for a week or so!

Craig woke up to the sound of screaming. It came from downstairs, sounding like his mother. He lurched upwards, looking around wildly, and finding Clyde with a confused and worried look on his face. Craig quickly looked to the clock, it seemed like they were only asleep for seconds but hours had passed. He scrambled out of his bed, catching his unbuttoned pants before they fell, and tugged them back on, hastily moving towards the door. He threw it open, dashing out of his bedroom and down the stairs, Clyde trailing close behind him. Once the front door came in view, Craig realized the two cops that were standing in the doorway, his father holding his mother as she sobbed. He slowed down, and came off the last few steps, approaching the officers warrily.

 

“What’s going on here?” Craig asked them with caution, not sure if he wanted to hear what the officers had to say or not.

 

“Are you Craig Tucker?” One of the officers, a moustached man with a bit too much bulk, asked him the question.

 

“I, uh. Yes, is there something wrong?”

 

“I’m afraid we found the body of your sister, Tricia Tucker.”

 

Craig froze, looking off at some unforeseen distance. He reached up and rubbed the side of his head, it suddenly starting to hurt. Found her body?  _ Found? Her body?  _ Why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t it have been him or maybe some other kid in the neighborhood? Why did it have to be his sister? He felt a hand on his shoulder and he flinched away, not realizing it was Clyde.

 

“Craig… Are, are you okay?” He listened to Clyde’s voice, full or concern and worry. Craig turned around to face him, his eyes brimming with tears.

 

“Go get those scissors and take them so far away I won’t even be able to find them. Please.” Him and Clyde stared at each other for a moment, as the tears broke tension and started falling down Craig’s cheeks. His sister, his only baby sister. The sister he loved dearly, whether he may have shown that or not. Clyde stared into Craig’s eyes for a few moments longer before nodding and going up the stairs, quickly, but as if in a daze, and went to go search for the scissors. Craig stood there for a moment, his hands dangling at his sides as he stared at the floor for a long time, just staring and thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. His mind was racing, racing so fast that he couldn’t think, couldn’t comprehend, couldn’t understand. He hadn’t even realized that Clyde came back downstairs. Wasn’t even aware that his parents finished up with the officers and they went on their way with them to identify the body. He just stood there, rooted to his place as he thought and thought, and stared, and thought some more. It wasn’t until his legs grew weak that he finally stirred from the spell, and noticed Clyde sitting on the couch, watching him.

 

“How long?”

 

“You were standing there for maybe about an hour, I wasn’t keeping too close with the time. You need to sit down, Craig.” Clyde stood and came over to help Craig to the couch, but he ended up just falling to his knees and leaning against Clyde’s legs.

 

“Sorry. My legs just felt… So weak.”

 

“It’s perfectly fine, I don’t mind.” Clyde bent over and helped Craig up, bringing him over to the couch and sitting him down. He was genuinely worried with the way Craig was reacting to it, and planned on staying with him through it all.

 

Craig’s head hurt so much. It was pounding, making it hard to think. He didn’t feel anything, even though he knew he should. He felt as if he had been split apart and one half of him got all of the immediate emotions, and the other half, what he was, got nothing besides crying and numbness. His mind felt split, like he should do one thing but the one half is saying don’t.

 

He sat there for a long time, even until the point when his parents came home. Clyde had fallen asleep on the couch at one point, his legs hanging off the side and his head down by Craig’s legs. He sat there, staring at the floor with a solemn expression and his hands intertwined with each other.

 

“Craig? What are you still doing up?” That was his father. His mother was too distraught to say anything.

 

“I don’t know.” A famed answer that became common amongst plenty of their exchanges.

 

“It’s three in the morning, you need to go to bed. Get Clyde up and you two need to head off upstairs. Now.” Craig had continued to sit there, even though his father asked him multiple times to head to bed. His mother departed off to their bedroom, and Craig turned his head to look at his dad.

 

“Why? Why did it have to be her?” Craig was crying again, but he didn’t care.

 

“I… Don’t know.” This time it was his father’s turn to respond with that. “But just know she’s in a better place now.”

 

“I don’t want her anywhere but here!” Craig raised his voice, he was starting to grow frustrated. “I want her back here where I know she would be safe! Safe from the-- the, the monsters out there! I-” He stood, his voice almost at a shout - “I wish it were me instead of her!” Craig’s yelling had woken up Clyde, and he mumbled to himself as he sat up, confused. His father stared at him, dumbfounded and unknowing with how to respond.

 

“Craig-” Mr. Tucker tried to assess the situation, taking caution in choosing what he was going to say, as he had to do many times before with his son.

 

“Don’t talk like that. Your mother and I love you very mu-”

 

“Bullshit!” Craig didn’t care that he just flat out cut off his dad. He was tired of the crap he was pulling.

 

“Don’t you cut me off, you have as much of a right to live as she does!” Craig went quiet and just stared at his father, fury burning in his eyes but dampened by tears.

 

“Go to bed, Craig. We’ll talk tomorrow.” The teen turned, and shakily walked off towards the stairs, Clyde quickly following after like a puppy. As soon as they walked into the room and shut the door, Craig broke down crying on his bed. He was in a terrible moment of weakness, but Clyde was right there next to him the whole time, holding him close and shushing him.

 

“It’s just not fair, Clyde,” Craig had calmed down after almost 20 minutes of letting his emotions run. He tried to wipe as many of the tears away as he could, and he leaned into Clyde’s chest as he talked. “Why did it have to be her? She had so much to live for. Tricia did so good in school, had so many friends. It’s just… Terrible…” His voice choked when he said her name, but he kept going. He kept talking, the delusional side of his mental issues showing a bit.

 

“I want to find the fucker that did this and teach him that when he messes with a tucker, he gets messed with back.”

 

“Oh, Craig…” Clyde was resting his chin on the top of Craig’s head, gently rubbing his arms. “I applaud your enthusiasm to find whoever it was who did this, but we don’t have a clue who could have done it. They still haven’t found your sister’s friend, either.”

 

“I know, I just… I really wish things were different. I mean, not fully different but. I wish she was still alive.”

 

“Yeah, I know. But just know that there are people here for you, we will help you… Hell, even I’ll be the one to help you if no-one else does.” Craig fumbled with the hem on his shirt, listening to Clyde’s soft voice. He knew he was right, but there was still that side of him that feared that things may not be okay.

 

He found himself in another dream made of darkness. It was pitch black in his mind, and he found himself staring back at a reflection of himself. His fingers pushed up against the invisible mirror, the reflection doing the same. His reflection had a smirk, and hair covered over dark eyes, making it look almost sinister. Craig pulled his hand away, but the reflection stayed the same. Stepping back, Craig felt anxiety start to rise in his dream, and he watched as the reflection took a step forward, and began to push through the wall. It continued to push as Craig continued to step back, until there was a second Craig standing only a few feet from the original. A chuckle emanated from the imposter, which sent chills down Craig’s spine. It was so fast, and suddenly it was face-to-face with him, a freezing cold hand on his throat and pushing. He couldn’t breathe, and the face was blurring.

 

Craig lurched up in bed with a cold sweat beading and prickling the back of his neck and face. He had only been asleep an hour, but an hour was enough to shake him down to the core. What the fuck was that?


	6. Bliss

_ Tap tap tap tap tap… _

Continuously, Craig’s pencil hit the desk in a hurried manner, his hand uncontrollably causing the pencil to tap. He was nervous, anxious. It had been nearly a month since he had been at school, staying home while his family continued to grieve for the loss of his sister. He had been almost emotionless most of the time, even during the funeral he felt empty and unable to express anything. The only times his mood actually shifted was when he spent time with Clyde, and even then it was hard.

 

However, Clyde stayed with him through it all. He helped him and pushed him and did anything he could to keep Craig from slipping back into the black hole of his mind. The last month had been difficult for Craig, and the next few months were showing to be even worse. But he still had one thing to look forward to-

 

“Psst, hey Craig,” he heard the whisper from the seat next to him, and looked over to his boyfriend. He whispered back.

 

“What?”

 

“You should come over to my place tonight,” It had been a while since Craig had last been over to Clyde’s house, so maybe this would be fun.

 

“Okay, sure. I’ll ask my parents.” He pulled out his phone and kept it hidden under his desk, hoping the teacher was too busy to notice. Little did he know that his parents had let the school know to keep from taking his phone during lectures in case he needed to get in contact with them, which was just what he was doing. He got a quick reply, a yes, and whispered to Clyde that it was an a-okay.

 

The rest of the school day was a blur, lunch coming and going quickly, and the last few classes shooting by fast. Over time, the two of them had been leaving enough clothes at each other’s houses that they didn’t need to stop by either respectable place to pick any up, so it was a straight shot to Clyde’s house from the school. His parents were out for a couple days on work related queries, so the two of them had the house to themselves. And they spent that time doing as they pleased.

 

They spent most of the evening talking, relaxing with each other. They could finally be in a comfortable area without the risk of being found.

 

⁎⁎⁎

 

Craig was laying across Clyde’s lap on the floor, their eyes trained upon the tv in the bedroom. They found themselves watching reruns of Terrance and Phillip, giving off chuckles and laughs at certain points. Clyde moved, and Craig looked up at him. He was digging for something under his bed.

 

“What’re you doing, you dork?” He watched as Clyde pulled out a satchel, and begun pulling stuff out of it.

 

“We’re gonna have fun tonight.” And then the smell hit.

 

“No way, dude. Holy shit, how do you hide that?” Weed. It was weed. Craig sat up and turned so that he was facing Clyde, and leaned forward for a second, the dizziness of sitting up way too fast hitting him hard.

 

“I don’t have to hide it. I just keep it in an airtight container to keep my room from smelling like it. My parents smoke, too. So does my sister.” He picked a nice bud out from the container, broke and picked out as many of the stems as he could, and opened his grinder, proceeding to grind the bud. It smelt good, almost too good.

 

“What kind is it?” 

 

“Kush. My dad gets it from the dispensary around here.”

 

“Well aren’t you lucky. My psychiatrist tried to offer a medical card for me but of course my parents freaked and said no. It’s the only kind of ‘medicine’,” - Craig made aiquotes here - “that helps with my mental stuff. It just, makes it all calm down, if that makes sense,” Clyde nodded in response to his statement.

 

“Yeah, I get it. That’s why I’m bringing it out now. We’re gonna get you fucked up, man,” Clyde said the words in a stoner-mocking tone, causing the both of them to laugh. The next thing Clyde pulled out was a long tube covered in rainbow duct tape, with a bit sticking out that was holding a wire bowl. 

 

“What the  _ fuck _ is that?” Craig pointed towards the tube, and Clyde snorted.

 

“The gay shoot. It’s a steamroller, they get you reaaaally fucking high, if you do it right. I’ll show you how to do it.” He loaded the bowl with weed, packed it in, and flicked out a lighter, lighting up. He took a long hit, pulled back and covered the top. He breathed it in and let it linger, before letting it go and taking the rest of the hit. Course, he coughed, but who wouldn’t? That shit is hard. Craig had had many joints and bowls passed around in secrecy, but never before had he experienced the beauty of a steam roller. His first attempt he pulled too long, and ended up choking on the smoke, but as he kept doing it he got better. By the end of the bowl, the both of them were absolutely fucking baked, laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling.

 

“You doing alright over there?’ Clyde’s voice was drawn out, slurred slightly by the high. Craig raised his arm and gave a thumbs up, then let it fall back into place.

 

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I still do.”

 

The night dragged on with them talking idly, sharing random stoner thoughts and chuckling over stupid comments, and being distracted by the TV. They eventually crawled up into Clyde’s bed, cuddling with each other under the covers and listening to the low noise of the TV. Craig nuzzled his head against Clyde’s chest, listening to the gentle rhythmic thumping of his heart. He was in absolute bliss, his problems not bothering him for once, with the boy he loved. He shut his eyes and finally slept for once without having a nightmare.

 

He rode out the rest of the night and rest of the high with satisfaction. He felt safe, free from the pain and solitude for one night. He was away from the things that hurt him, and his mind was relieved of the stress that his issues brought.

 

But the bliss was only temporary.


	7. Necrosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depictions of self harm; suicide

_ December 13th, 2018 _

_ I can’t take it anymore. Everything is becoming so stressful. I don’t know what to do at all. My sister is dead and my parents are getting worse with me. It’s like they hate me for being, well,  _ _ me _ _. I can’t get Clyde to talk to me anymore, he just. Stopped texting. I miss him so much. I don’t know what happened to him or what he’s doing. He won’t even answer the door when I go over. _

 

_ I mean I admit I had been mean to him but things were really stressful for me that day. I was having a really hard time and I ended up telling him off… Oh god, how I regret it. I feel terrible for what I did, how I worded it, how I reacted, just, everything. It’s all my fault. I caused this.  _

 

_ I’ve grown so old, so why do I still feel like crying? _

 

Craig’s hand shook and the pencil fell onto the desk. Everything in the last month had been building up and slowly getting at him, his mind barely taking the strain of what happened. His mind seemed to crack and break, his sanity wavering with each and every day that marched on. He leaned forward onto the desk and laid his head in his arms. His entire body shook with the heavy, silent sobs he let out. He forced himself up, his hands pulling at his hair. He felt lost, confused, broken.

 

Earlier in the month, Craig and Clyde had a falling out. They ended up getting heated with each other over something stupid, and words were thrown.Particularly some that Craig did not mean to say, some that should have been kept in.

 

“I fucking hate you! I should never have gotten with you!”

 

Clyde was taken aback by the words. He watched the angered expression on Craig’s face for a moment, and something snapped. He scowled, and said,

“If that’s really what you think, then so be it. Things may be tough now, but they’re going to get so much harder for you.” He climbed into his car and slammed the door, starting the engine and driving off.

 

From the parking lot. At school. Everyone saw everything. It wasn’t until the severity of the situation actually dawned on him that Craig realized how many students were actually in the lot. He looked around, his expression changing from anger to one of utter surprise. That was his only ride. He had stopped riding the bus, but now he lost both rides. His mind was racing, he couldn’t think straight. Everyone was staring. Their eyes boring into him. Oh god, so many eyes.

 

He ran, he ran away from the school and off into town. He ran through town, and down through the neighborhood. He ran all the way home. He didn’t stop until he was at his door, and collapsed onto the ground, panting. The ground was cold, he was crying. 

 

Craig got up from the chair at his desk, pacing around his room and shaking. He knew what he had to do. So, he sat back down, and began writing. He spent well into the night, writing letters, trashing letters, rewriting them. He spent hours upon hours writing and collecting his thoughts. Over this time, he grew colder and colder. He no longer cried, his expression stone cold and straight. Everything in his mind was at full blast, but he ignored it. He wrote at least 10 letters to various people, but his longest was to Clyde. He apologized for everything he did, everything that he had caused, and the pain he brought to him. He noted that he loved him, dearly, and that he was sorry he had to go. He felt terrible for everything he had said, and he hoped things would work out for the best for him.

 

_ Dear Clyde, _

_ I am. So sorry. I am sorry for the things I said, for the way I treated you. I took advantage of you when I should have not. I was selfish, rude, intolerable, insane. Whatever you want to say I was. I deserve it. I was in the wrong, I did not have the right to do that. _

 

_ I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. I should have had control over what I said, but I let myself go. Deep down, it’s killing me. Losing you was the worst thing in my life to have happened. You treated me so good and I threw that all away, with one foul sentence. With a terrible mind. I would blame it on my issues, but I realize that that is not the case. I caused this on my own and brought about problems for everyone. _

 

_ I love you, dearly, with every bit of my heart. There are things I wish I could say in person, but I must write them down here. I love you, to the moon and back. Through thick and thin, you were there for me, through the pain that I brought to myself and the pain that was brought onto me by others. You didn’t run when I was having problems, you stayed there for me when I broke down and cried. You stayed with me all of those hours in the night. You consoled me and took care of me when I had nightmares, when I couldn’t seem to bear the pain. You cared for me, and I still care for you. _

 

_ I want to return all of that for you, but it seems to be I can’t I cannot return the favors, no matter how bad I want to. _

 

_ It appears to be that my time is up, the end of the line has come. _

 

_ I love you so much, Clyde. I really do. I hope you do well. _

 

_ Craig _

 

He set the pencil down on the desk, and straightened the pile of paper. He pulled out a box of enveloped from his desk, and placed each paper into one, marking them with their respective named for the receiver. Once he finished, he cleaned up, got up, and went to the bathroom. He ran the bath, despite it being 2 in the morning. He dug around in one of the drawers in the bathroom until he found what he was looking for - a razor blade. It glinted in the light, and he set it down onto the counter. He undressed, letting his clothes fall to the floor carelessly. Dipping into the bath, he took in the hot water, enjoying his last few moments on this dastardly earth.

 

It wasn’t long before the water was stained red, and Craig felt woozy. He stared at the ceiling of the bathroom as he let the cuts in his wrists drain the blood from his veins. He sunk into the bloody water, closing his eyes for one. last. Time.

 

_ I’m sinking in, _

_ I can’t pretend _

_ That I ain’t been through hell, _

_ I think I need help... _


End file.
